Winds in the East

Winds in east, mist coming in, 

like something is brewing, about to begin.

Can't put me finger on what lies in store

but I feel what's to happen, all happened before.

The last month has been an absolute whirlwind. Fun, stressful, and, as always, a little on the weird side. Let me tell you about it.

The Domestic Whirlwind

The adventure began after Tax Day with a trip to Bethlehem, PA to be a stand in for my niece/namesake's baptism, followed by a hop skip and a jump back to New York City to see my best friend's capstone play performed. Shopping occurred and sexy dresses were purchased. 

Best friends for two decades. Still going strong.

And then we went back to PA again for some family time. Laura- the newer, fresher niece- is usually very concerned. While Grace is called "Cuter than the Gerber Baby," we like to call Laura "the Concerned Citizen of the World," but in a rare instance (and my photographic genius- if I may), I got Laura to smile and Blue Steel it for the camera:

I like to title this photo "From Grumps to Giggles"

Before I could even get my affairs in order, I was off again to Florida with my mother, "the Giig," as she presented her research at the oncology conference. We visited Universal (mostly Harry Potter World) together and, while she was off attending lectures and being a smarty pants, I visited the Magic Kingdom.

 It was a lot of fun seeing all the characters/sites, taking pictures with Rapunzel and Cinderella, and (probably the most fun was) playing this interactive Sorcery Game in which you get sent around the park finding portals and defeating Disney villains. 

And excluding a surprising, and dare I say rather unprofessional experience with a persistent Uber driver, the week was another domestic travel success!

Town Hall at Magic Kingdom

Flying Eastward

The first week of May marked the trip with my little sister to Germany. It began normal enough. We got to the airport, got Euros, lunch, sat down and chatted for about 45 minutes, etc. And let it be known, I am acting as tour guide for my sister as well as keeping a suspicious, watchful eye, so I will admit to mild paranoia when I noticed a man about 25 yards away who kept looking at us.... But he was far enough away, so we carried on carrying on. At the end of our 45 min lunch, the strange man gets up, walks over to us and presents me with the oddly unproportional, slightly colored-in picture of myself. His only explanation was, "I watching you, so I made this for you" and then walked away. I really don't have any words other than it was the second really weird interaction in a matter of days and my sister loves laughing about it. So Schadenfreude. You're welcome.

I did also share the shorten version over SnapChat, to which my youngest sister informed me that the point of SnapChat Stories is not to tell **actual** stories. So go figure. Kids these days.

Anywho. Marianne and I had a delightful time travelling to the Black Forest, and climbed to the top of their tallest waterfall. Followed by climbing the tallest spire in the world the following day and ending that trend a couple days later by visiting the largest waterfall in Europe, which was super fun, but we'll both admit was a little underwhelming if you've seen Niagara Falls.

Our next adventure was Switzerland, which reads a lot like the children's book "Fortunately and Unfortunately":

Fortunately, Marianne and Katie arrive to the train station on time to begin their trip to Switzerland. Unfortunately, the German trains had gone on strike and stopped running a third of the way there. Fortunately, the DB station conductor was super helpful and got them a bus to the next nearest train station. Unfortunately, that would mean that they would miss their tour of Zurich. Fortunately, Katie had the number for Zurich and rescheduled for the next day and they headed onto Geneva which was where they were going to end up for the night anyway, so it was all for the best. Everything was beautiful; M and K had a delightful time exploring the Gold Coast and took a cable ride to the top of the mountains in Zurich. Unfortunately, the Swiss are not as exact about timetables and M and K worried they would not make it down from the mountain in time to catch their train back to Germany. Fortunately, they caught the train with moments to spare and even had time to nab a sandwich and drink for dinner. Unfortunately, two thirds of the way back the trains just stopped. Again. Fortunately, K again enlists the help of the DB conductor man. Unfortunately, he says, no, there are no connections back to Ulm, where they are staying. Fortunately, he says that the DB will send them back via taxi for no charge since the strike ruined their trip. Unfortunately, the taxi driver has a heavy Bavarian accent and K can't understand him at all and after he starts driving, the meter goes from saying this is a free fare to running. This makes M very nervous. Fortunately, K tells M that the DB conductor assured her that it was alright. Unfortunately, K started to doubt her memory after the total reach 100E, 200E, 300E... she had had about 45 heart attacks and aged a decade since this trip began and was fearing that she was losing it. Fortunately, the taxi driver helped her get her bags out, shook her hand and said, Gute Reise (meaning good trip). K and M sighed in relief and went to get their luggage from the train stations' storage. Unfortunately, they had to wait for M's boyfriend to go onto the next hotel and apparently had missed the bus to meet them because he had been watching YouTube instead. Fortunately, he did arrive and they found the hotel. Unfortunately, they had missed the check in time. Fortunately, K was able to convince the guy at the bar to help her get their key. And FORTUNATELY the bed was comfy as hell and she was officially #done.  

The rest of the trip was wildly uneventful and it was spent coloring, reading and occasionally doing yoga, which turns out was a mistake because I somehow did something to my hip and now every time I stand up from a chair after a long period of time I involuntarily let out a quiet exclamation of, "oh my hip." Like an old woman.

I've started tai chi with the self defense group and have already been working on my knee strength, so maybe I'll just sit in Pigeon for like an hour... Maybe that will help combat my body falling apart.

An Open Letter

An Open Letter to the Girl who was working out next to me at the Gym today:

Dear Workout Buddy,

I'm sorry I'm not sorry that music selection was so good that you had to listen to me sing 80% of the songs that played in our 45 minutes of proximity. I guess I am a little sorry that I got so excited when Christina Aguilera's song "Fighter" came on, I bet myself I couldn't sing the whole song... You witnessed that that challenge was indeed accepted. I'm a little in awe of myself that I remembered EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. If you knew me, you'd understand that I have a terrible memory and this is an awesome feat for me. I guess then I should also apologize for "Blank Space" and "Brave," but mostly for Brave because I absolutely do not have the vocal range of Sara Bareilles.
Must I repeat? The music today was spot on.

I'm also sorry I'm not sorry for being uncharacteristically energetic tonight. I knew you were a newbie to working out, and that you were watching what kind of weight I was doing and whatnot and I challenged myself in order to challenge you. But you put up a valiant effort and in a way that makes us both winners.

Way to keep up champ.

Anyway,  I hope you're not too sore tomorrow and maybe we'll work out in the same proximity again soon.

Yours Truly,

The Girl wearing black from head to toe with neon orange gym shoes

How are yooooou?

About a year ago, I remember telling my friend how sorry I was for constantly bombarding him with crazy tales of my life. I promise, I said, one of these days I will have a normal life.

His response: No such thing, love.

I appreciate that response now more than I did then, because it is the truth. And I don't really want normal. Eight months ago I dated a normal guy with a normal job and we went on normal dates. We talked about normal things and ate normal food. And it was totally boring. 

But on the flip side, I also don't want a train wreck.

So naturally there is a story to go along with this statement. Quite recently a rather attractive man asked for my phone number. He had a really corny pick up line about how we’d have enough sparks to start a bonfire and I laughed, so I figured, sure why not he can have my number. He says, I’ll text you tomorrow. 

I tell you h'wut... It takes him four days to text me.

And yes I was a terrible person and joked with my friend that maybe he got in an accident and that’s why he didn’t text me in a timely manner. And when he did eventually text, joked that I feared he had lost the use of his thumbs. I’m that kind of person.

But text he did and turned on what I am going to call obsequious charm/ flirtation. Or as they say in the Sim world, schmoozing. 
And I’ll admit. I have trust issues. Much to my friends’ enjoyment. When stranger who knows nothing about me start flirting up a storm, I will have literally none of it.

I mean, really, it is bullshit

However, it is also amusing. It is. 
In my head I know that the thing that is happening is called flirting and I should partake, but instead defenses go way up and I get super suspicious. Especially when men use words like dangerous, mysterious, beautiful and captivating.

And don't get me wrong, and those are fantastic words, but not ones I want to hear from a relative stranger. And yes, I am delightfully quirky, reasonably attractive, reserved,  and thoroughly believe adventure is out there. But mysterious and dangerous I am not.

And the conversation, or lack thereof, trudges along. Mostly with me trying to start any kind of conservation and him derailing it but saying things like, when can I have you in my arms, I would adore some pictures, and the "I need you making me warm" when I merely asked how the chilly day was treating him.

At this point, you're probably thinking, this guy is creepy. But I also must add that I have already agreed to get coffee with him Friday evening, and I am a woman of my word and so I'm determined to savage this until about Friday. Also in retrospect, I wish I had had the presence of mind to send this when he asked for pictures instead of informing him that I am a grown ass woman and will not be told what to do:

My one regret.

So Friday rolls arounds. He has already informed me we aren't getting dinner so, when I get home from work, I eat and attempt to make my hair do something moderately pretty and shoot him a text around 7 asking when and where this date is happening since I hadn't heard from him since the morning, which I find a little strange since this whole thing was his idea. Two hours pass before he decides to perhaps begin the planning process, and by planning process, I mean he asks me where I live. Unfortunately for him, at this point, I'm completely over the whole thing and inform him I will no longer be going out. Because ain't nobody got time for someone who doesn't respect your time. He tries to reschedule, suggesting days that I have already informed him do not work. I informed him, again, that no I am not free, and added that quite frankly do not start planning my evenings around 9 pm. I have not heard from him since and it is unlikely I ever will again. 

 Which is totally fine in my book, because what do we do with 34 year olds with no manners and clearly don't have their shit together?

This whole experience has been essentially a self respect exercise. My therapist would be so proud. Branching out but also not taking shit.

And I think I can confidently say I've dodged a bullet. Much like this young man.

Enjoy the rest of your day, my fantastic readers!

Friday the 13th

Today's not a Friday! you might be saying. It is most decidedly a Monday!

But today is my birthday. And I was born on Friday the 13th. Which is pretty rad. And perhaps a little telling but I love it. But anyway, just roll with it.

That's me. The watermelon.

But back to my birthday. It's my favorite holiday. It's in October, which means I have an excuse every year to throw a costume party. Because in case you couldn't tell, I have a flare for the dramatic.

Scarlett O'Hara and Hermione Granger ~2006

Clark Kent and Debra Morgan 2013

The Order of the Phoenix 2007

And now for one of my favorite and simultaneously, most embarrassing birthday stories. I am sharing only because I reminded my dear friend Ellen of this story and she is now threatening to use it out of context to embarrass me at events such as my future wedding. Also my friend Emily requested that I tell the story here. So here is goes:

My freshman year of college, my friends Shanna, Emily, and I were invited to a Halloween party the weekend of my birthday. We're all making our costumes, because I don't know why anymore. 

So I'm thinking to myself. What can I be? And because I love weird t-shirts, I happen to have an Alcatraz outpatient shirt. Boom. Psycho patient costume set. 

Emily is really excited because a guy we met ice skating was going to be there and Shanna is off coloring planets and whatnot for her Ms. Frizzle costume. And meanwhile I am going to town making my hair huge and my face bruised and whatnot. I'm dressing all scary because, you know... It's Halloween. Ms. Frizzle and Mr. Rogers tell me I look great so we leave. 

The MOMENT I step into the party, it's a scene straight out of Mean Girls. Damn it, Katie, you should have know that everyone dresses cute for Halloween. Not to mention Miami girls, really understand the concept of sexy pumpkin and what have you. I was not on their level.

So I run to the bathroom as fast as I can to at least partly do damage control. Additionally, straight out of Mean Girls, when Ellen saw the picture, she was all,

(Kady and I had similar responses to said query, as well as similar names, I've just noticed)

And here is the after photo of us actually having a delightful time post-bathroom-recovery-trip. I contemplated sharing the actually creepy photo took that Ellen is holding ransom but I just couldn't. That is probably a massive let down. But I do occasionally like to hold onto little scraps of my dignity. And I mean it is technically on the internet. There forever as people say. You're free to hunt and then laugh. 

But on a happier note, I've also had amazing birthdays. Like the time I met John Green and I waited in line and decided what intelligent thing I was going to say and then ended up saying none of the things and sounding like an absolute noob.

Or when I woke up super early and went skydiving with my sorority sister, Paige, and I was completely confused about when I was supposed to get on my plane because the person wrote my name down wrong and therefore my name for the rest of the day was Josh. Because that totally looks like Katie, right? ;-) All that matters is I didn't miss my turn :)

And last year, I lived in an elephant camp, saw the Big Five of East Africa, watched the migration of the wildebeest from a hot air balloon and drank mimosas on the plains of the Maasai Mara. Not to mention, my new friends threw me a surprise party on the last night and brought in the Maasai warriors to sing me Happy Birthday in Swahili. 

So all that being said, thank you all for the well wishes and "Happy Birthday"s/ celebrating with me and a very merry unbirthday to you!

When in doubt, Vacation.

So in following with the trend of quirky things that happen in my life, I'd like to tell you the story of my trip to NYC and Bethlehem PA to visit my very good friend and sister (&co.)

It began as any trip would. I woke up early to get the the airport, there was no one in line for check-in, I flew through security and no one was kidnapped this time and taken to a dark room, I had fed myself beforehand, I found a comfy chair to read the rest of my Agatha Raisin book, things are looking real good today. Twenty minutes before the flight I receive an email (note email, this will be important way later) telling me that the plane that was supposed to pick me up and take me to Chicago has just left the airport. Clearly if they were having difficulties long before take off and they could have emailed us all sooner...

Anyway, I call my dear friend, and get a direct flight, get some food, go to the new terminal. Delayed. Due to "raining." However, an insider told the weather there was actually quite nice. Anyway, I am forced to call my friend back and discuss the situation since we had planned to see a one act play about Bertold Brecht at 5 and sadly I wasn't likely to get there on time anymore because of course. All day in CVG is really why I took a personal day at work. Don't allow me to tell you otherwise. But I do eventually leave. Huzzah.

And when I land, I'm very excited. Yes, finally! A cabbie asks if I need a cab, he grabs my bag, and I get in. It then crosses my mind that I have gotten into a black cab and not a yellow one. No worries, gentle readers, twas a real cab. I was not kidnapped and killed. Only charged like three times the normal rate.

But we're not going to dwell on that currently, because I arrive at my friend's apartment! ALL WILL BE WELL. Except for the fact that when I went to get the key from under the mat, it was not there.

So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I posted semi-crazed pictures to my snap chat story and played CandyCrush. A fact of which I remain unashamed. My friend rushed home and we got some Italian and then took a walk in the park, drinking wine out of Starbucks to go cup. Super classy, super fun. We caught each other up on all the latest gossip, it was like, oh my gawd, so great. (I'm just kidding. We don't talk like that.) After that we went to a piano bar which was SOSOSO amazing. The pianist could play quite literally anything you requested. My friend informed me that was quite normal, but I still remain heartily impressed.

Then we made our way home and called it a night, but not before accusations were cast about how I skipped gym class like 20 years ago and left my dear friend without a friend or partner to do the heinous activities with. Who-

Ok I did and I apologized. It will never happen again.

The next morning, after sleeping in, we got delicious sausage egg and cheese bagels. A true breakfast of champions before making our way to the MET, where we took some excellent pictures.

Followed by frolicking in Central Park.

That was exhausting but the night has just begun!

My friend and I met up with her boyfriend for dinner in Times Square, which was, in another time, an old Baptist church. And since we had time, we ordered dessert. Naturally since we're both adults, my friend and I order gelato bears. Hers was cute, mine came out maimed.

After which, we saw Once. The Tony award winning musical. All of the actors also played all the instruments, so that was way amazeballs: they sing, they dance, they play their own instruments... Often at the same time.  Good stuff. The story was cute and sad, and I loved it. 

The next day we took the ferry to Staten Island to see the Statue of Liberty/ Brooklyn Bridge and I got some nice skyline pictures. Followed by lunch in the FiDi where I saw a beach outside a Starbucks, no joke, and not even slightly ashamed of myself for taking a picture of it even though there were some "tourist" grumblings. GUYS. There was a simulated beach in the middle of the FiDi in front of a Starbucks. It was my duty to take a picture. We explored all over Chinatown, Little Italy, Soho, and ended up by NYU, where, using my friend's ID, I broke into the library to use the restroom. Not a glamorous mission, but wholy successful and a miracle to boot because I am not blonde in the slightest. We again met up with her boyfriend for dinner where I saw this:

Someone in NYC is reppin' Cincinnati.

We went home. They gave me directions for all my solo adventures for the next day (as they were leaving me to go to a wedding) and then I went to bed- better for an earlier start and mostly because going out on the town is not my cup of tea.

But awake early I did, packed and got myself ready to go take on the day. Headed to Central Park where I meandered for the whole morning, carrying into the early afternoon. I made my way back to Times Square, with my only real detour being for a half pound of hot tamales at Radio City Music Hall. It's about one o'clock, an hour before I am to see "A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder," and I remember my friends telling me how Port Authority Bus Terminal is a nightmare. So I decide that I should get my ticket to Bethlehem sooner rather than later. And thank God I did, because PABT is horrendous. It took me an hour just to find out where they sold the tickets. But buy it I do and get to GGLAM, as tumblr likes to abbreviate it. But I notice on my ticket that instead of saying I am going to Bethlehem PA, it says I'm on the NJ line. This is disconcerting as the show is about to start and I am unable to do anything about it. So I text my sister to figure it out for me and she texts me at intermission that as strange as that sounds, we're good.

So the show was terrific. Y'all should definitely at least watch their Tony performance.

Getting home was an adventure. Apparently the subway changes on the weekends. That would have been nice to know. Two angry hours later I get back to my friend's apartment and IMMEDIATELY have to grab my stuff and go BACK to PABT for my bus to Bethlehem. My sister called and was like, "I'm so excited to see you soon" and I was all "NOT NOW I CANNOT EVEN"

So with bags in tow, I make my way to PABT. I look down at my ticket and it says "42." I shit you not, that's it. I don't see any signs for "42" and my bus leaves in ten minutes. I ask for help. "Go down the stairs and take a left." There are two signs, one for like 28-36 and one for 48-52.

I explore them both. And find out it's located on the lower level and am just so relieved I don't even care how poorly marked that was. Right before we get to the Bethlehem casino (because that's where the bus is really going) a man asks that since I'm not going into the casino, if he can buy the free casino chips I would get off me. It was a mildly sketchy transaction, but in the end he gave me directions to the front of the casino where my sister was picking me up and $17 in cash, so I'm going to call it a win.

The rest of the weekend was calm with my sister and her family. Building Ikea furniture and watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch 90% of the time. But we also explored historic Bethlehem and had dessert in their fancy hotel. Plus my niece is a cutie.

My last day, we all, including baby Grace drove to Brooklyn where we had burgers with two friends before my sister drove me to the airport. Where my flight out was AGAIN delayed and I missed my connecting flight. They had apparently emailed me the flight I was SUPPOSED to get on instead but since O'Hare wifi was jacked up, guess who got the message? Not this girl. It was extremely stressful, I shant bore you. But I waited on stand by and got the last flight to CVG.

Except for flying through an electrical storm the rest of the trip was uneventful and I was back to get home to my dog. I shant be taking any further vacations for quite some time I should think.
Dasvidaniya, New York.