Saturday, November 8, 2014

How are yooooou?

About a year ago, I remember telling my friend how sorry I was for constantly bombarding him with crazy tales of my life. I promise, I said, one of these days I will have a normal life.
His response: No such thing, love.

I appreciate that response now more than I did then, because it is the truth. And I don't really want normal. Eight months ago I dated a normal guy with a normal job and we went on normal dates. We talked about normal things and ate normal food. And it was totally boring. 

But on the flip side, I also don't want a train wreck.

So naturally there is a story to go along with this statement. Quite recently a rather attractive man asked for my phone number. He had a really corny pick up line about how we’d have enough sparks to start a bonfire and I laughed, so I figured, sure why not he can have my number. He says, I’ll text you tomorrow. 
I tell you h'wut... It takes him four days to text me.
And yes I was a terrible person and joked with my friend that maybe he got in an accident and that’s why he didn’t text me in a timely manner. And when he did eventually text, joked that I feared he had lost the use of his thumbs. I’m that kind of person.
But text he did and turned on what I am going to call obsequious charm/ flirtation. Or as they say in the Sim world, schmoozing. 
And I’ll admit. I have trust issues. Much to my friends’ enjoyment. When stranger who knows nothing about me start flirting up a storm, I will have literally none of it.
I mean, really, it is bullshit
However, it is also amusing. It is. 
In my head I know that the thing that is happening is called flirting and I should partake, but instead defenses go way up and I get super suspicious. Especially when men use words like dangerous, mysterious, beautiful and captivating.

And don't get me wrong, and those are fantastic words, but not ones I want to hear from a relative stranger. And yes, I am delightfully quirky, reasonably attractive, reserved,  and thoroughly believe adventure is out there. But mysterious and dangerous I am not.
And the conversation, or lack thereof, trudges along. Mostly with me trying to start any kind of conservation and him derailing it but saying things like, when can I have you in my arms, I would adore some pictures, and the "I need you making me warm" when I merely asked how the chilly day was treating him.

At this point, you're probably thinking, this guy is creepy. But I also must add that I have already agreed to get coffee with him Friday evening, and I am a woman of my word and so I'm determined to savage this until about Friday. Also in retrospect, I wish I had had the presence of mind to send this when he asked for pictures instead of informing him that I am a grown ass woman and will not be told what to do:
My one regret.

So Friday rolls arounds. He has already informed me we aren't getting dinner so, when I get home from work, I eat and attempt to make my hair do something moderately pretty and shoot him a text around 7 asking when and where this date is happening since I hadn't heard from him since the morning, which I find a little strange since this whole thing was his idea. Two hours pass before he decides to perhaps begin the planning process, and by planning process, I mean he asks me where I live. Unfortunately for him, at this point, I'm completely over the whole thing and inform him I will no longer be going out. Because ain't nobody got time for someone who doesn't respect your time. He tries to reschedule, suggesting days that I have already informed him do not work. I informed him, again, that no I am not free, and added that quite frankly do not start planning my evenings around 9 pm. I have not heard from him since and it is unlikely I ever will again. 
 Which is totally fine in my book, because what do we do with 34 year olds with no manners and clearly don't have their shit together?

This whole experience has been essentially a self respect exercise. My therapist would be so proud. Branching out but also not taking shit.
And I think I can confidently say I've dodged a bullet. Much like this young man.

Enjoy the rest of your day, my fantastic readers!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Friday the 13th

Today's not a Friday! you might be saying. It is most decidedly a Monday!

But today is my birthday. And I was born on Friday the 13th. Which is pretty rad. And perhaps a little telling but I love it. But anyway, just roll with it.
That's me. The watermelon.

But back to my birthday. It's my favorite holiday. It's in October, which means I have an excuse every year to throw a costume party. Because in case you couldn't tell, I have a flare for the dramatic.
Scarlett O'Hara and Hermione Granger ~2006
Clark Kent and Debra Morgan 2013
The Order of the Phoenix 2007

And now for one of my favorite and simultaneously, most embarrassing birthday stories. I am sharing only because I reminded my dear friend Ellen of this story and she is now threatening to use it out of context to embarrass me at events such as my future wedding. Also my friend Emily requested that I tell the story here. So here is goes:
My freshman year of college, my friends Shanna, Emily, and I were invited to a Halloween party the weekend of my birthday. We're all making our costumes, because I don't know why anymore. 
So I'm thinking to myself. What can I be? And because I love weird t-shirts, I happen to have an Alcatraz outpatient shirt. Boom. Psycho patient costume set. 
Emily is really excited because a guy we met ice skating was going to be there and Shanna is off coloring planets and whatnot for her Ms. Frizzle costume. And meanwhile I am going to town making my hair huge and my face bruised and whatnot. I'm dressing all scary because, you know... It's Halloween. Ms. Frizzle and Mr. Rogers tell me I look great so we leave. 
The MOMENT I step into the party, it's a scene straight out of Mean Girls. Damn it, Katie, you should have know that everyone dresses cute for Halloween. Not to mention Miami girls, really understand the concept of sexy pumpkin and what have you. I was not on their level.

So I run to the bathroom as fast as I can to at least partly do damage control. Additionally, straight out of Mean Girls, when Ellen saw the picture, she was all,

(Kady and I had similar responses to said query, as well as similar names, I've just noticed)

And here is the after photo of us actually having a delightful time post-bathroom-recovery-trip. I contemplated sharing the actually creepy photo took that Ellen is holding ransom but I just couldn't. That is probably a massive let down. But I do occasionally like to hold onto little scraps of my dignity. And I mean it is technically on the internet. There forever as people say. You're free to hunt and then laugh. 

But on a happier note, I've also had amazing birthdays. Like the time I met John Green and I waited in line and decided what intelligent thing I was going to say and then ended up saying none of the things and sounding like an absolute noob.

Or when I woke up super early and went skydiving with my sorority sister, Paige, and I was completely confused about when I was supposed to get on my plane because the person wrote my name down wrong and therefore my name for the rest of the day was Josh. Because that totally looks like Katie, right? ;-) All that matters is I didn't miss my turn :)

And last year, I lived in an elephant camp, saw the Big Five of East Africa, watched the migration of the wildebeest from a hot air balloon and drank mimosas on the plains of the Maasai Mara. Not to mention, my new friends threw me a surprise party on the last night and brought in the Maasai warriors to sing me Happy Birthday in Swahili. 

So all that being said, thank you all for the well wishes and "Happy Birthday"s/ celebrating with me and a very merry unbirthday to you!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

When in doubt, Vacation.

So in following with the trend of quirky things that happen in my life, I'd like to tell you the story of my trip to NYC and Bethlehem PA to visit my very good friend and sister (&co.)

It began as any trip would. I woke up early to get the the airport, there was no one in line for check-in, I flew through security and no one was kidnapped this time and taken to a dark room, I had fed myself beforehand, I found a comfy chair to read the rest of my Agatha Raisin book, things are looking real good today. Twenty minutes before the flight I receive an email (note email, this will be important way later) telling me that the plane that was supposed to pick me up and take me to Chicago has just left the airport. Clearly if they were having difficulties long before take off and they could have emailed us all sooner...

Anyway, I call my dear friend, and get a direct flight, get some food, go to the new terminal. Delayed. Due to "raining." However, an insider told the weather there was actually quite nice. Anyway, I am forced to call my friend back and discuss the situation since we had planned to see a one act play about Bertold Brecht at 5 and sadly I wasn't likely to get there on time anymore because of course. All day in CVG is really why I took a personal day at work. Don't allow me to tell you otherwise. But I do eventually leave. Huzzah.

And when I land, I'm very excited. Yes, finally! A cabbie asks if I need a cab, he grabs my bag, and I get in. It then crosses my mind that I have gotten into a black cab and not a yellow one. No worries, gentle readers, twas a real cab. I was not kidnapped and killed. Only charged like three times the normal rate.

But we're not going to dwell on that currently, because I arrive at my friend's apartment! ALL WILL BE WELL. Except for the fact that when I went to get the key from under the mat, it was not there.

So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I posted semi-crazed pictures to my snap chat story and played CandyCrush. A fact of which I remain unashamed. My friend rushed home and we got some Italian and then took a walk in the park, drinking wine out of Starbucks to go cup. Super classy, super fun. We caught each other up on all the latest gossip, it was like, oh my gawd, so great. (I'm just kidding. We don't talk like that.) After that we went to a piano bar which was SOSOSO amazing. The pianist could play quite literally anything you requested. My friend informed me that was quite normal, but I still remain heartily impressed.
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Then we made our way home and called it a night, but not before accusations were cast about how I skipped gym class like 20 years ago and left my dear friend without a friend or partner to do the heinous activities with. Who-
Ok I did and I apologized. It will never happen again.
The next morning, after sleeping in, we got delicious sausage egg and cheese bagels. A true breakfast of champions before making our way to the MET, where we took some excellent pictures.
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Followed by frolicking in Central Park.
That was exhausting but the night has just begun!
My friend and I met up with her boyfriend for dinner in Times Square, which was, in another time, an old Baptist church. And since we had time, we ordered dessert. Naturally since we're both adults, my friend and I order gelato bears. Hers was cute, mine came out maimed.
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After which, we saw Once. The Tony award winning musical. All of the actors also played all the instruments, so that was way amazeballs: they sing, they dance, they play their own instruments... Often at the same time.  Good stuff. The story was cute and sad, and I loved it. 
The next day we took the ferry to Staten Island to see the Statue of Liberty/ Brooklyn Bridge and I got some nice skyline pictures. Followed by lunch in the FiDi where I saw a beach outside a Starbucks, no joke, and not even slightly ashamed of myself for taking a picture of it even though there were some "tourist" grumblings. GUYS. There was a simulated beach in the middle of the FiDi in front of a Starbucks. It was my duty to take a picture. We explored all over Chinatown, Little Italy, Soho, and ended up by NYU, where, using my friend's ID, I broke into the library to use the restroom. Not a glamorous mission, but wholy successful and a miracle to boot because I am not blonde in the slightest. We again met up with her boyfriend for dinner where I saw this:
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Someone in NYC is reppin' Cincinnati.
We went home. They gave me directions for all my solo adventures for the next day (as they were leaving me to go to a wedding) and then I went to bed- better for an earlier start and mostly because going out on the town is not my cup of tea.
But awake early I did, packed and got myself ready to go take on the day. Headed to Central Park where I meandered for the whole morning, carrying into the early afternoon. I made my way back to Times Square, with my only real detour being for a half pound of hot tamales at Radio City Music Hall. It's about one o'clock, an hour before I am to see "A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder," and I remember my friends telling me how Port Authority Bus Terminal is a nightmare. So I decide that I should get my ticket to Bethlehem sooner rather than later. And thank God I did, because PABT is horrendous. It took me an hour just to find out where they sold the tickets. But buy it I do and get to GGLAM, as tumblr likes to abbreviate it. But I notice on my ticket that instead of saying I am going to Bethlehem PA, it says I'm on the NJ line. This is disconcerting as the show is about to start and I am unable to do anything about it. So I text my sister to figure it out for me and she texts me at intermission that as strange as that sounds, we're good.
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So the show was terrific. Y'all should definitely at least watch their Tony performance.
Getting home was an adventure. Apparently the subway changes on the weekends. That would have been nice to know. Two angry hours later I get back to my friend's apartment and IMMEDIATELY have to grab my stuff and go BACK to PABT for my bus to Bethlehem. My sister called and was like, "I'm so excited to see you soon" and I was all "NOT NOW I CANNOT EVEN"
So with bags in tow, I make my way to PABT. I look down at my ticket and it says "42." I shit you not, that's it. I don't see any signs for "42" and my bus leaves in ten minutes. I ask for help. "Go down the stairs and take a left." There are two signs, one for like 28-36 and one for 48-52.
I explore them both. And find out it's located on the lower level and am just so relieved I don't even care how poorly marked that was. Right before we get to the Bethlehem casino (because that's where the bus is really going) a man asks that since I'm not going into the casino, if he can buy the free casino chips I would get off me. It was a mildly sketchy transaction, but in the end he gave me directions to the front of the casino where my sister was picking me up and $17 in cash, so I'm going to call it a win.
The rest of the weekend was calm with my sister and her family. Building Ikea furniture and watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch 90% of the time. But we also explored historic Bethlehem and had dessert in their fancy hotel. Plus my niece is a cutie.
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My last day, we all, including baby Grace drove to Brooklyn where we had burgers with two friends before my sister drove me to the airport. Where my flight out was AGAIN delayed and I missed my connecting flight. They had apparently emailed me the flight I was SUPPOSED to get on instead but since O'Hare wifi was jacked up, guess who got the message? Not this girl. It was extremely stressful, I shant bore you. But I waited on stand by and got the last flight to CVG.

Except for flying through an electrical storm the rest of the trip was uneventful and I was back to get home to my dog. I shant be taking any further vacations for quite some time I should think.
Dasvidaniya, New York.

Friday, July 18, 2014

I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then

Welcome to Volume 2 of 7 Quick Takes Friday

ONE: Music

I really love music. It makes my day so much more: enjoyable, relaxing, and fun. Quite recently I improved my work space by approximately two gillion with music. How, you ask? Let me tell you. 
Now for quite some time, I have had a Sara Bareilles Pandora station I listen to at work. It was good, but after a while it was not so good at shuffling. UNTIL I discovered the "add variety" tab. You add Billy Joel to that baby and it becomes the most delightful mix you ever did hear. 
This I swear by all that is good and wonderful in the world...
Shameless GHB plug. Click the link to jam to the song of her life.
TWO: Gatlinburg
I had never been to Gatlinburg. I was all prepared for a dozen moonshine places and touristy t-shirts, but what did I really see dozens of? Pancake houses. Don't ask me why. But there were.

Ellen and I had a lot of fun :D

Before climbing Mt LeCompte
Conqueress of the Mount

After sunrise

Right before the trek back down
We found the falls

THREE: My life still feels a bit like a snarky Woody Allen film.

You're a beautiful human being. A credit to your race.

FOUR: Orange is the New Black
So season two aired a little while back and it's pretty good. (I have mixed feelings about the series in general, because I read the memoir first and the artistic changes they have make are weird. Also Piper is a wholly unlikable to me.) However, I do enjoy the background stories they give for the other inmates. Lorna Morello and Ms. Rosa are my favorites. And sometimes the dialogue just hits you, it's so perfect. As is the theme song.

And Ms Rosa has the best one liners

FIVE: Orphan Black

And not to sound like I need more hobbies, I'd also like to take this moment to endorse Orphan Black. I'll let Rolling Stones tell you about it, they do it so well: It is a "fast-paced, Canadian sci-fi series about clones that airs on BBC America in the United States. But you've probably heard about its star Tatiana Maslany, who is tasked with playing a sextet of different characters, each with their own unique mannerisms, personalities and skills. From an upper-middle class soccer mom to a trained assassin, Maslany gives not one mesmerizing performance but six – sometimes playing complex scenes against numerous versions of herself. (And we haven't even mentioned Jordan Gavaris, who nails the sidekick/guy Friday role.) While the show is steeped in science fiction, there's nothing supernatural about it – the characters are grounded in reality, which makes it all the more engaging."

GUYS IT'S SO GOOD. Check out Tatiana. She's so amazeballs.

SIX: Visits from the Past

After driving to Nashville to see her wedding, my oldest friend and neighbor behind and to the left visited and we had a fabulous night catching up at the Hofbraeuhaus!!


I'm excited. To say the least. And I will spend it with my whole family, include Princess Grace, Conqueress of Gooseberry Isles,  Guide through darkness and fog, and Defender of the Toothbrushes.

Elektra will also be experiencing her first body of water. It's going to be an adventure for sure. 
Ciao, people!!