Thursday, February 25, 2016

Just a few gems...

So it's been a busy couple months, lots of exciting things: I went skiing in West Virginia (hella successful- more to come), I have started going back to school for my accounting certificate, the CCD children I teach went crazy this past week, and my brother and I have fallen into the deep black hole of online dating (again), which leads to lots of fun phone conversations and advice. [Mostly this started when I gave him Aziz Ansari's book, "Modern Romance" for Christmas- it's good.]

It's also surprising more fun to online date when it leads to family fun time with your brother gossiping about questionable moral strangers, sometimes with him screaming into the phone, "No! I don't like him! The more I learn the more I dislike! Cut him loose!"

I had a real chuckle about two weeks into the game when my brother called to demand why I didn't tell him how online dating was the worst thing in the world. "I did!" I replied and then we laughed over how he paid money and he felt compelled to stick to his guns.

Being 500 miles away from home and stationed in the middle of nowhere has had it's detriments. I have had a smidgen more luck in the dates department as I have actually gone on dates, but not by much. Also I'm wise to their antics and am becoming less and less tolerant. When talking to a boy, who by the way I hadn't even met in person yet, about buying my own boxing gloves because the ones I had used at the gym smelled worst than death, he told me that I needed to go out and buy my own because he didn't want to holding hands with athletically stinky hands.

I told him he was bold to assume I even wanted to hold his hand.

Needless to say we had some differences of opinion and it didn't work out.

But in talking to my brother, I realized, although I did already know this, that he lacks the more humorous side of online dating: The People who fall "Outside the Filter."
Here are some from the last month in no particular order, enjoy:

"The CandyMan," the Hyperbolist. "How is the most beautiful woman in the world doing today?"

The boy 6 years younger than me who has the audacity to call me "baby girl." Also check out that username, MaximumPayne. My only consolation is that it's his last name is this is all a big joke.

The only who sends the same message week after week. There were more.
The spontaneous one! "Let's do something today!" Too bad I didn't get it until days later...

The one who is out to fulfill my financial needs and all my dreams!! Lol, no thank you.

This one is my favorite. The one going for the shock value. I'mma type this out for you in case you can't read this:

"I would swim through 300 miles of shark infested waters, smothered in BBQ sauce with two 45 lb dumbbells tied to my testicles for the chance to share a nice candlelit dinner with you over Skype on a dial up connection."

It's the dial up connection part that kills me every time. That shit was the worst.

And last, but not least, this gem: "I have a live-in, long term girlfriend and I have no intention of ending that relationship nor do I intend for her to discover my “extra curricular” activities. So why am I here and what am I seeking? In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it is the excitement of of a new partner, maybe it is the thrill of sneaking around. Maybe it is the opportunity to try new things or to live out my fantasy (or yours). Whatever the reason, I am putting myself out there and trying something new."

Alright guys, I'm out, enjoy the rest of your week.

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