Woes of a New Dog Owner

My simple dog refuses to be trained: she does “sit” occasionally, lays down if I have a treat in hand while simultaneously having my 7-year-old dog demonstrate the proper technique, and only comes if what I’m offering is better than what she currently has, but “stay” is completely nonnegotiable… She will not stay.

Ok. I can handle that. I still love her.

BUT THEN.... 

She goes to the bathroom in the house. Like right AFTER I took her outside.

WHHHHHAAAATTTTTTTT?????? 

So last night around 1:30a, she needs to go out. Ok. I can do that. She goes and I'm so proud.

But then I realize I forgot to unlock the door before leaving the house. 

Locked out. 

But I figure its not that late, I knock on the door and I am let in. Early morning comes and I let her out, she goes, comes back in and then starts to eat both hers and the other dogs food. She’s hungry; I’m going to let her eat. I sit down, I shit you not, for like five minutes. Then she comes to me with her tail between her legs and I know she has done just that.

Elektra, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?

She immediately knows this means she has to go outside, but in all the hubbub of trying to shepherd her out, I again forget to unlock the door. But I am determined to clean this mess up before anyone in the house wakes up. So I go through a secret door and over to the elevator to sneak back into the house… And instead of hitting the lights in the elevator, I hit the all house alarm bell. 

Everyone is up. 

And now, in the time that has elapsed, almost the whole house smells.

This is my life pretty much every day.

Frustration levels are high.

Dog school inevitable.